Being Odd By Not Getting Even

   This time of the year a lot of television fans are gearing up for the previews of their favorite shows. Whether it is Modern Family, Law & Order, CSI, Dancing With the Stars or Glee people are excited about the premieres. Everyone has a favorite it seems. Every fall the major networks broadcast some new shows in hopes of finding the next big one. This year one show caught my eye. It is premiering right now as I am typing this post. It is called Revenge. Recently while driving around Raleigh I noticed a billboard advertising this new show. I thought that was interesting. The more I thought about it the more intrigued I became. The topic of revenge filled my mind. Questions started to go through my head. What makes us want revenge? Why can't we just turn the other cheek? Why can't we just forgive and move on? The topic sells advertising for networks and people will watch. Because, really that is all that matters, right? I don't think so.

   Revenge is defined by Webster as "to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong; an opportunity to retaliate or gain satisfaction." Let's face it gang: revenge feels good! There are a lot of other things in life that feel good but are not healthy for us. Revenge is no different. People all over the world have been done wrong by someone at one point in their life. I will admit that I have wished bad on others who have done me wrong. And I have probably done that more than once. What about you? Be honest now. I think if we were brutally honest with ourselves we would discover more thoughts of revenge than we could ever have imagined. I don't feel the need to list all of the reasons why we would want to exact revenge. I think that is pretty obvious. I just want to know why.

    The way I see it revenge is the easy way out. We see it on television, movies, and in fictional books. It is made to look glamorous. Hollywood can take anything and make it look sexy and appealing. Kind of like how smoking was made to look fifty years' ago. Look how that turned out. Revenge makes us feel like we are back on even ground with the person or people who have done us wrong. We do not want people to one-up us and if they do we are going to make them pay. They need to pay dearly for their "crime" against us. We want to see them hurt so they can know what it feels like. And on and on we justify it. We convince ourselves six ways to Sunday that they should go down. Really, we are the ones who suffer. We end up doing more harm to ourselves than we could have ever thought. We waste precious time plotting the demise of someone else and wishing harm on them. With that we lose traction in our heart and become hardened people. It is a decision we will soon regret.

   We can go through life one of two ways when people do us wrong. We can harbor resentment, anger and bitterness to that person or persons or we can work towards letting it go and forgiving. The choice is not that easy some might say. Well, you are right. Why is that? Because we hurt. We feel pain. Our lives are turned upside down. We experience betrayal and are decimated by actions of other people. I get it. I know. Forgiveness is not easy but it is extremely necessary. Revenge looks cool. You don't think there are people who want a piece of Bernie Madoff or Enron? Think again. We don't have to convince each other that bad things happen to good people. The Internet, newspapers and magazines are filled with sad stories. Every day we hear one. Maybe you have experienced it. I feel for people who go through this. I am sure we can all empathize. And we do. We share in your pain.

   The point is what do we do about it. Can we get ourselves to the place where we can forgive and move on? The answer is yes. We are called to forgive. It does not mean we forget what happened and it does not mean we are buddies again. Forgiveness releases freedom in your life! Why wouldn't we want that? When you forgive others you are no longer held hostage by thoughts of revenge. You move on and you are not stuck spinning your wheels.  What happens if we do not forgive? To me it is simple. If we do not forgive we will walk around a very angry person. We will be so caught up in getting back at other people and making them pay that we will lose sight of our purpose and destiny in this world. It is a trick and a lot of us buy into. So, what's the answer? Be odd. Forgive and move on. Getting even will not help you. It will only hurt you and others. Deep down inside most of us really do not want revenge. It is not glamorous. It is deadly. Let's petition Hollywood for a TV show about forgiveness. You with me? Remember, it's about the dash.

In Search of Heroes

   Most of us had a hero or heroine growing up. There was someone out there we believed could do anything and do it well. Maybe it was a family member or friend. Maybe it was someone we watched on television, in movies or heard on the radio. Maybe our hero was someone who is no longer living on earth but we loved what they represented. Whatever the details are or were the fact is we all had a hero or heroine. Whomever this person was we were sure they could take on anything. Webster defines heroic as "involving recourse to boldness, daring or extreme measures." Wow, heroes are bold and daring? You think? Every hero is similar because of what they DO! So, I believe that begs the question: What is a true hero? We are about to find out.

   Watching some of the stories of 9-11 might make you rethink your heroic definition. It has for me. Maybe this time of the year makes me think more about heroes because of the great tragedy that occurred and the people who traded a continuation of life's precious breaths for courage. Tragedies have a way sometimes of uncovering them. Imagine if we did not wait for tragedies and just lived with a heroic purpose. That would be remarkable. There are heroic people living today. Some are living their lives like a hero even though they could care less about what people think. I like that trait. It is not arrogance but rather humility. Heroes see needs and problems and sprint into action. They despise injustice. They want to pour something into other people. They believe their purpose on this earth is far greater than amassing wealth and material things. Now that is heroic. And so were these guys.

   Do the names Pablo Ortiz and Frank De Martini ring a bell? Unless you were friends with them or were related you probably have not heard of them. I had not heard of them before. That was until I watched a program last weekend about their heroic efforts on the 88th floor of the North Tower on that fateful day, September 11, 2001. They were two ordinary guys who lived like heroes. I would say extraordinary. Both worked for the Port Authority of New York. They had mercy and compassion for their fellow tower-mates trying to survive a horror. They had life and gave up their last breath so many others could continue on. Talk about the ultimate sacrifice! You probably would never see them on the cover of GQ or Men's Health. Their lives were defined by something greater than looks or popularity. It was about the dash. This way of life does not care about outward or physical appearances. They gave up their lives so 77 other people could live. Were they true heroes? You bet they were! Sounds like a great idea for a magazine. I am on it!

   There were many heroes on that day ten years ago. I am sure there were many we may never hear about. This world needs more "Franks" and "Pablos." Earlier in this post I asked the question: "What is a true hero?" My take is simple. Heroes have no idea they are one. A hero is someone who gives up something. Maybe they give up their time or their energy. Maybe they give up their life. Maybe they sell all of their possessions and use their money to help a cause. Heroes give what they have. They do not just give give from their excess. They sacrifice something and don't live life like a bystander.  Money, fame and greed have contributed to the downward spiral of a lot of spotlight "heroes." Glory hounds are everywhere. We are a narcissistic culture. Am I wrong here? I don't think so. Who are the true heroes who live among us? They are not hard to find. We just need to know where to look.

   We need to be careful who we put on pedestals these days and anoint as heroes. Most heroes are not in the spotlight or at least do not crave it. They are people who start a non-profit to help reduce hunger or domestic violence. They are people who teach, protect and/or serve others. Look around your neighborhoods, ball-fields, classrooms, community centers, gyms, convenience stores--they are everywhere. They are brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, friends, colleagues, husbands and wives. They are people who leave behind their families and friends for a cause or mission somewhere around the world. Maybe their cause is right in front of them.  Our schools, churches and non-profit organizations need them. Doctor and dentist offices need them. Corporate America and government need them. Law offices and banks need them. Inner cities and rural areas need them. Poor countries need them. Drug addicts and prostitutes need them. You get the point? Everyone needs a hero. We need to find them. Are you one? Remember, it's about the dash.

Got Comfort?

   Recently I read the book called "Not a Fan." I began reading it on my way to see family this summer. The flight felt like it lasted five minutes (I love books like that). I kept turning the pages (well, clicking the next page button on my Kindle) agreeing with so much of what the author had written. I hoped the flight would last long enough so I could read the whole book. It did not. I finished the book in a few days and found myself trying to articulate the message of the book to others. It was clear to me. I was too comfortable. In a weird way it was comforting to know I needed to be more uncomfortable. This idea is counter-culture, right? Watch television or listen to your radio. Drive this car, buy this phone, wear these clothes. Be comfortable. Scary, is it not?

   As a man of faith I believe I am NOT called to a life of comfort. My existence should revolve around what I do for others. Is that hard for us to understand? Yes, it is. Why is that? Well, we are all selfish people trying to live selfless lives. Talk about tension. If we look at the life Jesus Christ lived while on this earth we gain a great perspective. He was born in a nasty, smelly manger and died a gruesome death on a cross. I think that was the epitome of being uncomfortable don't you? Yes, I know He was the Son of God and He had His purpose. He and the apostles were often uncomfortable in day to day life. Should we expect the same discomfort? Yes, without a doubt. He even told us so. A lot of teaching out there talks about selfless living. Some of you reading this may have different views on faith. No matter who or what we believe we have no excuse. Selfless is number one. Oh, the irony!

   Let me give you some real-life personal examples of being uncomfortable. In June 2010 my family and I moved to North Carolina. My wife Deb and I were clear about the direction. I had a job to come to and she was going back to school to complete her undergraduate degree. The plan was perfect--so we thought. Not too long into it I felt like former New York Met Carlos Beltran looking at strike three with the bases loaded in the bottom of the tenth of Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS (yes, still bitter Carlos). A different pitch was delivered. I needed to adjust but I froze. I could empathize with the former Met. What do we do now? A main focus of us coming here shifted, or at least that is what we thought. It was time to go to work on ourselves. Seriously? That sounds like fun, right? Yeah, not so much! It was the real plan all along and it was uncomfortable. It still is to some degree. Welcome to your life!

   Looking at your life and seeing the things that you need to change is never easy. It sucks really. You start with denial and then you justify certain behavior. I wonder why we bother wasting all of that time and energy. I mean, why do we fight it? I did. I went into self-preservation. Why? It is easy. I did not want to be uncomfortable because deep down inside a nerve had been struck. And then another and another. It hurts too. Trust me on that one. Uncomfortable? I think so. You are on the operating table of life and the Great Surgeon is perfecting His masterpiece. It is a process of transformation. You are being made into who He wants you to be. You are His work of art. The molding and shaping seemed more intense. It was about to be taken up a notch.

   Summer was underway and Deb and the kids had taken off for summer vacation. I was to join them in a few weeks. Then the walls closed in fast. The uncomfortable feeling became more intense. On July 15, 2011 I was let go by my employer. The solace of a weekly paycheck and knowing my family would be provided for was gone. How is that for being uncomfortable? Many of you have gone through this. Unemployment is at an all-time high. I can empathize. I woke up on July 16 and the comfort I was used to feeling vanished like a New York pizza after one of my visits to Long Island. What do we do now? Throw in the towel? Put our house up for sale? Not a chance. Trials are a gift. I think that part of faith gets skimmed over. As hard as it was (and still is) I would not trade the uncomfortable experience for anything. Greatness is found in the midst of the hard. You have two choices. What are you going to do? Quit or persevere? You know the answer I bet.


   So, what do we do now? Do we wake up tomorrow and throw all of our worldly possessions away? Do we give all of our comfy time to worthy causes? Do we quit our jobs or move to another state? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. That is not for me to say. Perhaps you start by asking yourself some questions about how comfortable you have it. Maybe you reorganize your priorities. What are you living for? Sacrifice some of your comfort for the sake of others. Make dinner for your neighbor whose husband or wife serves in the military. Get involved in your community. Be a coach or a mentor. Teach a group of kids a skill. Volunteer somewhere, anywhere. Make a difference! Be a good dad or mom to your kids. Love your wife or husband more. Spend time with them. They are worth it. Turn off the cell phone, laptop, iPod and television (I am just about to). Being uncomfortable is okay. We need it! You will survive. Trade your comforts in and get a better deal. Remember, it's about the dash!